Letting Go
by cjtylr74
Summary: Sara has to finally deal with the pain of her past. Can Grissom help her? Only a little angst, I promise! Story is COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:**This is a story that's been bouncing around in my head for a month or so. It's my first piece of fanfic, so please bear with me. I hope I haven't made too many glaring errors. Please review

**Disclaimer:**These characters do not belong to me. They are the property of some really rich people who work as CBS.

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**Chapter 1**

The shrill ringing of the phone jerked her out of a sound sleep. Clumsily, she fumbled for the phone by her bed and blinked owlishly at the clock.

"Hello."

"Hello, is this Sara Sidle?" asked a brisk voice.

"May I ask who's calling?" Sara responded.

"This is Joan Anderson, associate warden of the California Women's Prison." Sara blinked in shock at the response. It was certainly not what she had been expecting.

"I – I'm sorry, why are you calling me?" Sara knew she sounded rude, but she was so stunned by the call, she didn't really know how to react.

"You are Laura Sidle's emergency contact, correct?"

Sara dropped her head to her knees and waited for the news she'd always expected. "What can I do for you?" she asked.

"We need you to come here as soon as possible. Your mother has been severely injured in an altercation here at the prison, and we need a next of kin to approve any further medical treatment. I have the doctor's number who is treating her if you'd like to contact him. Her injuries were so severe, that we had to send her to a local hospital. I'll give you more details when you arrive."

Sara looked at the clock. 11:30. No wonder she was having a hard time focusing. She had only been asleep for two hours. She thought for a long moment. There was really no way she could leave right away as she had a huge stack of paperwork to complete on a major, two month, investigation. The suspect's lawyer would definitely get a dismissal if the DA had to get another continuance. "Unfortunately, I can't leave today, but I will get on the road early tomorrow. Will that work?"

"I believe so," answered the warden, "We'll look forward to seeing you."

Sara clicked the phone off and flopped back on the bed. For a minute, there were no emotions. Then, everything began flooding through her. _Well, _she thought, _there is no way I'm going to get back to sleep now_. Slowly, she pulled herself out of bed and padded into her living room.

Ten hours later, Sara entered the front doors of the lab. She had spent the day packing and preparing to leave. She was planning to be gone for two weeks. She was only hoping that explaining the situation to her supervisor would not be as difficult as she was anticipating it to be.

Taking a deep breath, she marched into Grissom's office. The expression she had on her face resembled a doomed prisoner about to be fed to the lions.

"Grissom, can I talk to you for a second?"

Grissom's head lifted as he stared at the woman in his doorway. _Has she always looked this tired? _"What can I do for you, Sara?"

Sara walked forward and sat in a chair in front of his desk. "I'm going to need to take the next two weeks off. Something's come up, and I need to be out of town for a while."

"When do you want to take this time?"

"I have to finish up the paperwork on the Reynold's case tonight, but I'd like to start as soon as that is finished."

Grissom stared at her for an eternity. "What's going on, Sara?" he finally asked.

Sara avoided his eyes as she answered, "It's just some personal business I need to deal with. What's the big deal anyway? I have, like, two years of vacation time saved up, and with Nick back, you won't be short-handed. You guys will be fine without me. You're always the one telling me I need some time off."

"I know we'll be fine, but I want to know that **you're** OK. If you need anymore time, just let me know. You know how to reach me."

Sara opened her mouth and then immediately closed it. "Thanks," she said quietly and left his office.

Throughout the entire night, there were numerous times when Sara would look up to see Grissom lingering in the hall. But whenever she would question him or even raise her eyebrow, he would just shake his head and walk away. After a few times, she just began ignoring him and focused on the work in front of her. When it was completed, she put it in an envelope to send to the DA and left without saying good-bye to anyone.

Later, Grissom walked quickly through the lab looking for Sara. He had a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that something was wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it. He was hoping to get some answers.

"Greg, have you seen Sara around?"

Greg looked up from the photos he was studying. "I think she left already. I saw her heading for the door a little earlier."

Grissom cursed quietly under his breath as he headed for the door. But, as he expected, her car was already gone. _Sara, where are you going? What are you facing?_ he thought.

Outside of Las Vegas, Sara merged onto Interstate 15 and headed toward California.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** These characters do not belong to me. But I'm having fun playing with them for awhile!

**A/N:** Sorry it's taken so long to get the second chapter up. I've been on vacation in the mountains of Tennessee with no internet access. I did get almost the entire story written on paper (remember that stuff?) so it's just a matter of typing it in the computer.

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**Chapter 2**

Sara went through the familiar routine of entering a maximum security prison, except that this time it wasn't routine. She could begin to feel her stomach starting to tighten up, and a knot began to form in the back of her neck. She hadn't felt these symptoms for almost 20 years. Actually, it had been eighteen years, three months, and six days, to be exact. But now she was here to face her past. A past she had always been running from.

Taking a deep breath, she turned the knob and entered Joan Anderson's office.

"Good morning, Mrs. Anderson. I'm Sara Sidle." Sara tried desperately to calm the shaking of her hands. "I'm curious about my mother's situation."

"Forgive me for being blunt, Ms. Sidle, but I'll get right to the point. Your mother's in very critical condition. As I told you, we were unable to care for her here at the prison, so we had to move her to a St. Vincent's hospital. The doctor there will be able to answer any questions that you may have about her condition. We've begun an investigation into events here, but, right now, I'm not at liberty to discuss them with you until the investigation is complete. I'm sure you understand. Anyway, if you'd like, we can have someone from the prison here drive you to the hospital."

Sara fought to process all of the information through her exhausted brain. "No, thank you, I know how to find the hospital. Could you please give me her room number and call ahead to let them know that I am coming?"

Sara quietly entered the small, sterile hospital room. The dark-haired woman lying in the bed seemed much smaller and older than the person who had haunted her nightmares so many nights. She slowly dropped into a chair beside the bed and began weeping softly.

"Grissom, what **is** your problem?" Catherine snapped.

Grissom looked up from the test he was pretending to read. "What?" he snapped back.

"You've spent all shift snapping at everyone who's crossed your path. I'm the only one who'll even dare to step foot inside this office. Whatever is your problem, please get it out of your system before everyone runs away in fear."

"I just think there's something going on with Sara. I can't really put my finger on it, but when she was in here to ask for her time off, she just seemed upset about something. She also looked completely exhausted, but she refused to tell me what was going on."

"Well, she is entitled to a little bit of privacy, don't you think?" Catherine answered.

"I realize that, but something has her knocked completely off, and she's really been so upbeat since we all got back on the same shift. I just want to know what's going on."

"So, call her on her cell," Catherine offered.

"I tried," Grissom answered. "She won't answer. I keep getting her voicemail, but she won't call me back."

Catherine started to smile. She got a mischievous look in her eye as well. "You know, Grissom, you can really be clueless sometimes. Do me a favor. Look around this lab. You only have the latest in technology at your disposal. Get her phone records and locate her cell phone too."

"Cath, she will kill us if we do that. Also, it **is** unethical to use the lab's resources for personal business."

Catherine snorted. "If you're worried about Ecklie, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, she may never ask. You can just tell her you used your powers of investigation. If you're that worried, I'll do it. I'm still on Ecklie's good side, and Sara can be mad at me. We always work it out in the end." With that, Catherine walked out of his office and left Grissom sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

Thirty minutes later, she returned. "Hey Gil, who does Sara know at the California Women's Prison?"

Grissom dropped the pen he was holding. "Dear God, how could I have missed that?" he whispered to himself. "Catherine, did you find out where her phone was at?" he demanded.

"St. Vincent Hospital near the prison. Gil, what's going on? What's Sara doing in California? Isn't all of her family gone?"

"Catherine, I'm going to be gone for a few days. I'm putting you in charge. Tell Ecklie whatever you have to to keep him happy." With that Grissom was gone before Catherine could even find her voice.

Grissom walked briskly out to his car and climbed in. Studying the map he kept in the glove compartment, he plotted out his route. During the entire time, questions kept running through his head. _What's going on? Why didn't you feel comfortable telling me? I know about you're mom, why did you think I wouldn't understand? What am I going to do when I see her?_

Hours later, he quietly entered the small, sterile hospital room. The dark-haired woman sitting in the chair lifted her head from her hands.

"Grissom, what are you doing here?"

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **These aren't my creations. If they were, I'd have a lot more time to write fanfic!

**A/N:** Here's Chapter 3. We're still in the introduction stage, but stick with me. Chapter 4 is being typed as we speak, and things will start to make more sense!

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**Chapter 3**

Sara was sitting with her head resting in her hands trying to decide if she wanted to get up and ask the nurses for a Tylenol. All of the nurses had been incredibly sweet considering the circumstances, obviously curios, but not asking any embarrassing questions. When she heard the footsteps behind her, she assumed one of them was coming to check on her again. But when she lifted her head, she was stunned to see the one person she never expected to see, but the only one she believed could truly help. Surprise stopped her speech for a second, then she found her voice. "Grissom, what are you doing here?"

He stared at her for a long moment, trying to decide how to answer her. _How am I going to explain why I'm here? I've never done this before, and I'm not completely sure what I'm doing now,_ he thought. Suddenly, he realized Sara was staring at him. "I, uh, I was worried about you."

Sara chuckled humorlessly. "You drove all this way because you were **worried** about me? Come on, Grissom, do I look that stupid? You're afraid I was going off the deep end, weren't you?"

"Sara, I'm telling you the truth," Grissom answered patiently. "I was worried. You were acting so out of character, I was afraid something bad had happened, and, obviously, I was right."

Sara lifted an eyebrow at him. "And you love being right, don't you?" Then, she remembered where she was. "Grissom, I don't believe you've met my mother. This is Laura Sidle."

Grissom started slightly. "I guess I was always under the impression you're mother was no longer living. Apparently, I was wrong there. What happened to her?"

Sara shook her head. "I have no idea. All they told me at the prison was that she had been injured in an altercation. They said they weren't at liberty to discuss anything else with me about the investigation. I've been here at the hospital ever since, and this is the way she's looked the entire time."

"What are the doctors telling you?" Grissom asked quietly.

"They're not giving me a whole lot of hope. I guess she sustained some serious head injuries as well as internal injuries. Combine that with her age and the fact that she hasn't had the best of healthcare for the last two decades, and you can understand why they are not very optimistic." Sara sighed and leaned forward to stretch her back.

Grissom studied her tired face and rumpled clothes, and a thought suddenly occurred to him. "Sara, have you left the hospital at all?"

"No, I've just stayed here. I guess the thought of trying to find a hotel room was just more energy than I wanted to expend."

"Well, you're not going to be any good to anyone soon if you don't get some rest. Why don't you come with me, and we'll find rooms for both of us."

Sara stared at him. "Grissom, how long are you planning to stay here?"

Grissom looked deep into her eyes, and hoped that she could see beyond the detached façade he always presented to the world. "For as long as you need me, or until Ecklie comes and drags us both back." He smiled at her. "Actually, I have to be back in a couple of days. Catherine will kill me if I'm away any longer."

Sara smiled back at him. "Then, in that case, let's get something to eat. I'm tired of hospital food." She left her cell phone number with the nurses, and turned to leave with Grissom. She couldn't explain it, but for some reason, the dark cloud that had hung over her the past 36 hours or so was gone. It probably had a lot to do with the man at her side. She was beginning to feel that there was some hope again in her life. "So, where are you taking me?"

"Oh, so you go from hardly eating at all to expecting me to feed you?" he laughed.

"Well, you offered," she answered with a smile.

They drove to a small mom and pop restaurant near the hospital that one of the nurses had recommended. Sara's buoyant mood started to drop when she realized that he was going to want some answers. _I don't want to share anything else with him, _she thought. _He already knows more about me and my past than anyone else on earth. We're going to keep this conversation strictly superficial. Right, like that's going to happen, Sara._

They were seated at a small table, and a perky high-school type waitress took their order. Sara watched her walk away for a minute before looking at Grissom.

"So," he began, "tell me about your mother."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Here's chapter 4. I've tried to make it a little longer, but it's hard to get these typed because my three your old loves to play Blue's Clues on the computer too! So, I thought shorter chapters mean more posting. Please R&R! I really do take your comments into consideration as I continue writing!

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**Chapter 4**

"So, tell me about your mother."

Sara stared at him calmly. "No," she replied after a long moment. "I'm not going to tell you anymore about her. You already know more than I've ever wanted to tell anyone, and I deserve a little bit of privacy. I'm certainly not going to air anymore dirty laundry around you."

"Okay," he slowly said, trying to decide how to reopen the conversation. "Don't tell me about her present, tell me about your memories of her. What's the best thing that you remember about her when you were a kid?"

Sara thought for a minute. She wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish, but his question seemed innocent enough. "Her flowers," she finally answered. "She had a beautiful garden in the back of our house. She grew a lot of the herbs and vegetables that we served, and she even had two fruit trees. But her flowers were her pride and joy. I used to spend hours out there." The man on the other side of the table began to fade as Sara felt herself spinning back into the past. "I had a favorite spot. It was a trellis that my mom had placed in the back corner of our yard. It had some sort of climbing flower on it, I can't remember what it was called, and when it was fully in bloom you could hide behind that trellis, and no one would see you. I spent an awful lot of time behind that trellis trying to decide if it was safe to go back into my house." Suddenly, the room came back into focus, and Sara realized what she was doing.

She decided to continue on a much lighter note. "You would've loved it back in that dark corner. There were all sorts of bugs that crawled and squirmed their way around. It was dark and damp. Sort of a bug heaven, I guess. And, I suppose, a bug lover's heaven." She flashed him a quick smile, hoping that she had diverted him.

He was quiet for a minute, then began, "That sounds a lot like a place I had when I was a child. I had found an ant colony, and I would spend hours back there building my own little ant world. Those poor creatures. They were probably trying to figure out who this huge monster was that kept building all of these obstacles for them to climb over just to get to their food or back home." He grinned at her.

Sara laughed at the comical look on his face as their food arrived. As she took a bite of her salad, she realized that the knot that had been between her shoulders was beginning to go away. "I can totally see you doing that. I wasn't so mean to the poor, little insects. I simply watched. The flowers that my mom planted attracted every sort of butterfly imaginable. I completely fell in love with their colors. It seemed almost impossible to me that nature could create so many color combinations. They were actually my inspiration for how I've decorated my bedroom. I was at a flea market one day and found three of them beautifully mounted. I bought them on the spot. They cost a fortune, but I couldn't pass them up. I ended up having to buy new everything for my room. The entire color scheme is based around them."

"Really, what species are they?" Sara started to laugh at him. "What? What did I say?" he asked confused.

"You. You're so funny. You want to know what species they are. Then, you'll probably tell me whether they're native to Nevada, what they eat, and who eats them. You'll completely take all of the fun out of it for me. I'm not going to tell you what type they are. I bought them because they were pretty, I liked the color combinations, and they reminded me of a favorite place I had when I was a kid. That's it. Please, don't analyze it to death, please," she finished while giving him her best pleading look.

Grissom knew he was helpless against that look from her. "Okay, but I'll have to come over some time to take a look at them." He stopped suddenly when he realized what he had said.

Sara looked down for a moment as she tried to imagine Grissom standing in her bedroom. That thought definitely embarrassed her, and she cleared her throat awkwardly. "Um, I think I'm ready to crash. I'm going to head over to the hotel now. I think my lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me."

Grissom looked at her sadly. I _was just getting her relaxed and happy, _he thought, _and now I blew it. I have to try to get her to open up again. It's doing her a lot of good. I can see her starting to unwind and act more like herself._ Suddenly he realized Sara was staring at him. "Sure," he answered her, "let me pay, and then we can both go."

They were silent as they exited the restaurant, and Sara followed Grissom's car with hers to the hotel he said he had found earlier. They both checked in without any conversation, and the silence lasted as they walked down the hallway to their neighboring rooms. As they stood outside the doors, Grissom finally spoke up. "What time do you want to head over to the hospital tomorrow?"

"Grissom, you don't have to do this," Sara protested. "Now that you know what's going on, and you're sure that I'm not about ready to jump off the deep end, you can go back to Vegas, and I'll call you when I have some news. Really, I am fine on my own. I really appreciate your coming down here, but you can go now. I am officially releasing you from your duty. I promise that I will not do anything crazy while I am here. I know you're probably ready to go back to work."

"Sara, I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to help. I'll probably head back the day after tomorrow," Grissom answered. "So, what time do you want to leave tomorrow?"

Sara realized he was serious, and relief began to flood through her as she realized she didn't have to face this crisis alone. For all of her words to him, she didn't feel that she had the strength to face her mom after all of these years. There was still too much locked inside of her, and she was afraid that if it ever got out, it would destroy her. It was a comforting feeling to know that there was someone there to hold her back from her emotional cliffs. She smiled at Grissom in gratitude before answering, "Let's meet downstairs around 7:30. That way we can get something to eat before we head out to the hospital. I think visiting hours start at 8:00."

"And they have your cell number in case anything would happen?"

"Yeah, everything is taken care of."

"Well, then good night, Sara." Grissom seemed reluctant to leave her.

"Good night, I'll see you in the morning." Sara answered.

With that, she opened the door and walked into the room carrying her suitcase. At that moment, Grissom realized that he had allowed her to carry her bags the entire way. _Of course, if I had tried to take them from her she wouldn't have allowed me to, so it was probably better I didn't think about it_, he thought ruefully. He stared at the closed portal for a few more seconds, as thoughts began flooding through his mind, the first being that this was definitely not where he had expected to end his day when it began so many hours before. The second was that he should probably stop staring at her closed door before someone became concerned and called the cops. He quickly began feeling the exhaustion that he had kept at bay all day flood through his body, so he was sure that bed was the best place for him. Quietly, he opened his door and entered his room.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Chapter 5 will begin to help you see where I'm going with this. Yes, I will leave you with a cliff hanger, but I promise that Chapter 6 will be up within the next two days. Scout's honor!

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**Chapter 5**

The next day Grissom waited in the hotel lobby for Sara to appear. The hotel had a free breakfast for its guests, but Grissom wanted to wait for Sara to come before he went in and started. Instead, he relaxed in one of the oversized chairs in the lobby while he drank a cup of coffee and read a newspaper. He had not had a very restful night's sleep because his mind would not let him unwind. There was too much going through it. He had finished the first section of the paper when he realized it was 8:00, and she had yet to make an appearance. Because this was very unusual for Sara, who gave the word punctual new meaning, he knew he had to go up and check on her.

As he knocked on her door, he could hear her TV on, which relieved him considerably. She opened the door quickly, and with one look, he could tell she was stressed. "I was wondering if everything was okay. . ." his voice trailed off as he looked at her. She was a completely different woman than the one he had seen last night.

Oblivious to his stare, she replied with a sigh, "Yeah, I'm fine. Come on in, and I'll finish getting ready. I overslept my alarm, so now I'm rushing around. I just have to finish putting my makeup on, and then we can go." Suddenly she noticed his intense stare. "What?" she asked.

He shook his head quickly to clear it. "Nothing, I just forgot how curly your hair is," he remarked.

She groaned. "Tell me about it. Since I was running so late, I didn't want to take the time to straighten it out, so this is what I get, frizz."

"No, I like it. I think it softens your face," Grissom could not believe these words were coming out of his mouth. "It makes you look more relaxed."

Sara eyed him. "Grissom, are you feeling okay? I don't think you got enough sleep last night. Here, sit down and watch TV for a minute while I finish getting ready. Diane Sawyer is about to interview Tom Cruise. It'll be educational for you."

"Who?" he asked jokingly. When she spun around to gawk at him, he grinned at her. "I'm kidding. I do know who Tom Cruise is."

Within five minutes she was finished and ready to go. As they walked down the hallway, Grissom realized how much he was enjoying being with Sara, especially away from the lab. She seemed completely different away from work, and he couldn't treat her as he did at work. She also seemed more relaxed and comfortable in her skin. He had noticed that over the last few weeks she didn't seem so tense. He suspected that she'd had an epiphany of sorts after Nick's ordeal. He was sure that they all had. He knew he did. That night, after he had finally returned to his house, he had faced who he was, and how he dealt with others, and he had made a resolution of sorts. Call it his New Year's resolution in the summer. He wanted to stop staying so removed from everyone's lives. That was the reason he had come out here. He wanted to be more involved with the personal struggles his co-workers faced everyday. So, this was his first step, being here with her and for her. It was a fairly new experience, but he had to say, it wasn't unpleasant. He truly enjoyed spending time with Sara.

After a quick breakfast, he decided to drive her over to the hospital. They talked of the mundane on the way over, and he held back slightly as she went to the nurse's station to check on her mom's condition. As his eyes fell on the guard sitting by the door, an idea began to take shape in his head.

Sara headed back toward him. "Well, there's really no change. She had a 'quiet night' which is doctor talk for 'we didn't have to come racing to her room to save her.' You're welcome to come into her room with me even though you're not related. I sweet talked the nurses into allowing it. They really like me," she finished with a smile.

Grissom shook his head at her. "I think I'm going to head over to the prison this morning. My curiosity is kind of piqued about what happened to your mom. You haven't really said anything."

Sara gave a frustrated sigh. "That's because I guess I don't care that much. Don't glare at me like that. Look, it was hard enough for me to come here and face her. I'm **not** going back to that place. Not ever," she finished vehemently.

Grissom was stunned by the anger in her voice. Calmly he replied, "I'm not asking you to come with me. I'm just curious. Sara, look, I'm an investigator. It's my job to find answers to questions that intrigue me. What can I say, it's in my blood. I'm just going to ask around a little bit."

"Fine," Sara replied. "Whatever you want. Just don't ask me to go back. It was hard enough for me to go there just to meet with that associate or assistant warden, whoever she was."

"Well, why don't I start with her? What did you say her name was?"

"Joan Anderson. But, Grissom, you probably aren't going to get anywhere. No one really cares about convicted killers."

"We'll see," he said as he walked out the door, leaving Sara to stare after him in frustration.

He returned a little bit before two o'clock. He walked into the room just in time to see Sara wipe away tears as she watched _A Baby Story_ on TLC. "Sara, are you okay?" he asked quickly.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replied with a short laugh. "These shows always get to me. Too much sap, I guess." She wiped away one last tear, and turned to face him. "You were gone for an awful long time. Did you find out anything?"

"Well, enough to piece together what I think happened." He looked down at the notes he had made. "It looks like your mom was an innocent bystander. Apparently, her cellmate and another prisoner got into a shoving match in your mom's cell. She was knocked into a bunk and hit her head on a sink on the way down. Then, a shelf that someone had pulled off to use as a weapon landed on her. They think from her injuries, she was also stomped on and kicked a couple of times. It really is too bad, because she had nothing to do with the disagreement, she was completely innocent. The two women who started it were placed. . ." he stopped when he looked over at Sara whose was beginning to shake. "Sara, what is it?" he asked.

"Innocent!" Sara spat out. "She's **not** innocent. She's a convicted murderer and a destroyer of an entire family. I ended up in too many foster homes to count because of her. My family may not have been great, but at least I had a family before she killed my dad. No one wants a gangly, nerdy thirteen year old kid. I didn't have anywhere to go. Then, when I had a chance at happiness, she went and killed my baby too!" Sara suddenly stopped; horrified at exposing the secret she had carried for all of these years. _You really did it now, Sara_, she thought. _He's not going to let that one go by without an explanation of some sort._

Grissom stared at her, stunned by her admission. "Your baby?" he asked with amazement. "What baby? Sara, what are you talking about?"

TBC

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Come back soon to find out about Sara's secret! 


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** Well, here it is. What you've been waiting for. My house is still dirty because I typed this instead of cleaning. Please, R&R so I know it wasn't in vain!

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**Chapter 6**

Grissom knew he had to get a grip on himself, or else Sara would completely shut down. He didn't want that because he felt in his heart that by telling this story, she would be able to release some of the pain and anger she always carried around. _I have to get her calm_, he thought, _and let her tell me in her way._ "I'm sorry, Sara," he began, "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just surprised is all. Come on, let's go find a quiet room, and we can talk. And you will tell me what is going on." He looked at her steadily.

Sara took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't interrupt me, and you can't tell anyone. **Ever**. Promise?"

He nodded as he escorted her to a small family lounge near the end of the hallway. He thanked God under his breath that it had a door that they could close, and only one small window for curious people to stare into. He led Sara over to the small couch and sat down next to her. _Please let me do this right_, he prayed. _This is my one shot_.

Sara let her mind begin to drift back through the years. "After my mom was convicted and sent away, I had a social worker who was convinced that it would be 'good therapy' for me to visit my mom on a regular basis. So, every Sunday my foster parents would drive me here for a one hour visit. See why it was so hard for me to find a permanent home? Who wants weekly trips to prison to be in their future for years? Anyway, my brother, who was old enough to decide, refused to go, so it was just me. I was thirteen. What did I know? Well, as you can imagine, those visits were not Norman Rockwell. I refused to talk to my mom beyond monosyllables, and she was still so angry at the system, at my dad, and at herself that she just poured that all anger on me. Everything somehow became my fault, and at thirteen, I believed her. I really didn't know any better. I was truly an angry kid then. So, when I was sixteen, I finally refused to go anymore. I'd had it. She wasn't my mother anymore, and I believed I didn't need her anymore. Make sense so far?" she asked as she glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He nodded, and she settled back for the difficult part.

"So, that summer, I was placed in yet another new foster home. This couple had two other foster kids, and they often took in difficult cases like mine. They were caring, but strict, and I began to heal from the past years. My grades started to go back up, and I actually started thinking about college. I hadn't thought about it for awhile, 'cause I didn't think I was smart enough to go. Well, this family also had a real son who was home from college too. Let me tell you, he was a charmer." She smiled slightly at the memory. "He latched right on to me from the second he met me. We became great friends that summer. He kind of became my replacement older brother, because I hadn't seen mine since my family had blown up. Anyway, he went back to college in the fall, and I started my senior year of high school. I was so ready to go to college that year, it was unbelievable. That fall, everything I did was focused on college. I took the SAT's, I sent out applications, I wrote and rewrote my admissions essay ten times. I mean, how do you explain my childhood to an admissions committee? But when Christmas came, I was ready to relax. My acceptance letter from Harvard had been my early Christmas gift, and I wanted to celebrate. I couldn't wait to tell Jacob, because I knew he was going to be so proud of me. He had been encouraging me every time he called home, and I wanted to surprise him with the letter."

At that point, Grissom leaned forward and took her hand. He had a feeling that he knew where this story was beginning to go, but he believed that Sara had to get it all out in order to heal. Besides, he had promised that he wouldn't interrupt. It was getting harder, though. All he wanted to do was take her in his arms and whisper promises to her that no one would ever hurt her again.

She continued with her story without looking at him. "So, he continued to work his charm. I was flattered, but it began to be something more as well. I thought he really liked me for who I was, not as the poor, little foster kid. And, I let him in. I gave my heart to him as well as my body. I just wanted somebody to care for **me**." Sara started to cry quietly. "Looking back now, I realized how dumb I was. If he had truly cared about me, he would have told his parents about us. Instead, he would wait until everyone was asleep and then sneak into my room. I thought at the time that it was so romantic. All it really was was cheap. I was his little plaything. But, you can probably figure out what happened. A few weeks after he went back to school, I discovered I was pregnant. I didn't tell anyone, but in February, Jacob came home for a weekend with his girlfriend. The one he'd been dating for five months. His parents were so excited as they began talking about marriage, and I knew how they'd react if I shared my news. So, I went to the one person I thought could actually help me and care about my problem, my mom. Some help she was. After using all of my courage to even enter the prison, then crying out my whole story, do you know what her reaction was? She just sat there. She didn't hug me, or comfort me, or even tell me everything was going to be all right. All she said was 'Have an abortion. You think you'll be a good mother? Look at me. It would've been better for everyone if I had never had any kids. You think you will do any better at seventeen. You'll fail just like I did.' I still remember to this day the bitterness and hate that spewed from her mouth. So, what did I do? I left the prison and went to a clinic. I used my fake ID that I'd gotten from a kid at the home before this one and had an abortion. And I've spent the last almost twenty years pretending it didn't happen. And that's it? You see why I hate her? She's not innocent. Besides killing my dad, she convinced me to kill my baby." Sara leaned back and waited for him to condemn her like she had condemned herself all of these years.

Grissom slowly stroked the back of her hand as he thought quietly. He realized for the first time the burden that this woman carried everyday of her life. He also realized why it was so hard for her to let anyone in. Every time she had before, she'd been slapped. "Sara," he said quietly, "I wish there was something I could say."

"There's not, okay," she responded quickly. "I carried this anger alone for all of theses years. You don't have any idea what it's like. I'd see moms with their babies, and I'd get angry. I'd drive by an elementary school and see kids playing outside, and I'd get angry. I'd see ads for prom dresses in a magazine, and I'd get angry. I lost a life full of memories because of her. Do you realize that my child would probably be graduating from high school this year? She'd be ready to start the rest of her life. But she never got that chance, did she? I never got that chance to see her. And it's all because of that woman lying in that bed. You have no idea what is burning inside of me. I cannot wait to tell her what she's done to me," Sara exploded. "I want her to hurt as bad as I do everyday, Grissom. I want her to cry herself to sleep as much as I do. Then, I'll be satisfied."

Grissom was stunned by the force of her anger. "Sara, you have got to calm yourself down. Yelling at me is not going to make it any easier."

"Thanks, Grissom, just what I need, another lecture. You know what? Why don't you get back in your car, drive back to Vegas, and leave me alone. I didn't ask you to come, and I'm certainly not asking you to stay, okay? Why don't you just leave?" With that, she tried to get up and walk away.

Grissom refused to let go of her hand. "Come here," he said. As she sat down, he let go of her hand long enough to put his arm around her. "Look, Sara, I don't have any answers for you. I wish I did. What I want to do is take the evening to digest everything you've said to me, and we can talk about it in the morning, okay? I'm not leaving you, not now, not ever. Don't ever think that you can say anything that will make me want to leave. I care about you too much, and I hate to see you hurt." He finished on a lighter note. "All of this drama is making me hungry. What do you say, we get some dinner and go see a movie. I think you need to get away from the whole situation for an evening. Sound good?"

Sara thanked him silently for what he was doing. She was completely drained from telling the story, and she didn't want to think about it anymore. Dinner and a movie sounded great. "That sounds good, Grissom. But we're not going to see any weird bug movies, are we?"

He smiled at her.

After a good meal and an even better movie, Grissom and Sara slowly walked hand in hand down the hallway of the hotel.

"Thanks for everything you've done," Sara began, "I know you've got to go back to work tomorrow, but I didn't want you to leave without letting you know how much I appreciate everything. You always seem to be there whenever I'm ready to completely fall apart. I don't think I've ever told you how much that means to me." Taking a deep breath, she stretched up and kissed him on the cheek.

Grissom smiled at her and replied, "You're welcome. And remember, I'm here whenever you need me."

Sara gave him a quick smile as she opened her door.

As Grissom lay in bed that night staring at the ceiling, he tried to process everything that Sara had said to him. He realized that he had been given a glimpse into her motivations at work. She always fought for those who had no voice, and he could now see why. He also realized that her unwavering passion and drive, something others called a weakness, was really her greatest strength, and her respect for her grew enormously. He was trying to come up with a way to help her deal with all of the anger when he fell asleep.

Some time later, Grissom awoke to a pounding on his door. He quickly looked at the clock. 2:15. _What is going on?_

He opened the door to see Sara standing there in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, her hair disheveled and obviously hysterical. "Sara, honey, what's wrong?"

"She's dead," Sara cried. "The hospital just called, and my mom died about 30 minutes ago. She's gone. Oh, God, what am I going to do?"

Grissom didn't say a word. He just opened his arms, and Sara walked into them.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** We've arrived at Chapter 7. Thank you to **everyone **who reviewed the last chapter. Your comments were very encouraging. I really wanted to capture Sara's anger and frustration and grief, and I guess I suceeded. :) Hopefully, this chapter will show a little bit of her healing. Please, continue to R&R! I love reading what people think.

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**Chapter 7**

Grissom pulled Sara into the room and let the door close behind him. He stood in the center of the room holding her close as she cried bitterly against her chest. He ran his hand though her hair and whispered reassurances into her ear. After many minutes, her harsh weeping slowed and finally stopped. He dipped his head down to see her staring blankly.

"Feeling a little better?" he asked quietly.

She nodded silently.

"Come sit over here," he said, leading her to the side of the bed. He sat next to her and turned slightly so he was almost facing her. "Talk to me, Sara. Please don't hold it in."

Sara finally looked at him. "I'm not sure how I feel," she said flatly. "I just feel like a huge part of my life is gone. I've been so angry at my mom for so long, but now she's gone and I don't have anyone left to hate. I mean, where is all of this anger going to go?" She got up and began to pace as her voice starting rising. "I never got the chance to tell her how I feel, and now I never can. I was cheated out of that as well. She got to live her whole life never knowing how I felt. She never got a chance to know how much she ruined my life. I still hate her, Grissom. Do you understand? I hate her for what I've become. I didn't have a mom, or a family, or even a child. My life is so screwed up, and it's all because of her, and now, I don't even get the chance to tell her that. Boy, fate really knew how to play some cruel tricks on me." Sara laughed bitterly and walked over to start out of the window.

Grissom got up and walked over to her. He wasn't completely sure what he was going to say to her. He had thought before that telling her mom how she felt would truly exorcise some demons. But that was impossible, now. Or was it? A thought began to form in his head. "Sara, I have an idea. Why don't you write it all down? Everything that you're feeling and everything you've always wanted to say. You can't actually tell her, but I think putting it on paper will help. You have to do something. This is going to kill you, holding this in. I don't want to see you suffer anymore. Try it and see how it goes. I think it might work. Look, it's cheaper than therapy," he finished with a small smile.

She stopped pacing and looked at him. "You think so?"

He got up to stand by her. "I do. I also think that it will help you grieve. I mean, you've just lost your mom, so you've got all of those emotions to deal with as well. I realize that there wasn't a lot of love, but she **was** your mom." He reached out to pull her close again. "Sara, I wish there was something I could say to make it all better. I wish there was a magic pill you could take to get rid of all of this. I hate to see you hurt. It seems that every time you start to deal with one thing another hits you. I just wish I could stop all of this." He ran his hand gently over her hair, smoothing it.

She spoke softly into his shirt. "You're here now, and that's all that matters." After several minutes of just resting in his arms, she pulled away. The feel of his arms around her was beginning to feel a little too wonderful, and she didn't want that. She didn't want to mess up the comfortable relationship they were building. "I think I'm ready to go back to my room now and get some sleep. I'm just sorry I had to wake you up. I just didn't know what else to do. But once again, you knew just what to say to help."

He looked down at her red, swollen eyes, grateful that she trusted him enough to come to him when she needed to. "Are you sure you'll be okay?" he asked gently.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm ready to go back to sleep. I'm so exhausted."

"Well, remember, if you need anything, I'm right next door."

"Thanks," she whispered as she slipped out the door.

He closed the door behind her and headed back to bed. He hadn't gone two steps when he heard a soft knock on his door. He quickly turned back and opened the door to see Sara standing there with a self-conscious smile on her face.

"Can I . . . uh . . . is it okay if I sleep on your floor?" she asked, embarrassed.

He lifted an eyebrow at her silently.

Quickly she stumbled on. "See, it's like this. I must have forgotten my key when I came over, and I don't want to bother the poor guy working at the front desk. So, I was just thinking I could sleep on your floor until the morning, and someone from housekeeping could let me in then. I really won't bother you at all. All I need is a pillow and a blanket," she finished in a rush.

"You won't be uncomfortable?"

"No, I've slept in worse spots when I was a kid." She looked up to see him shaking his head. "What?"

"I'm just still amazed at how you survived your growing up years. And no, you are not sleeping on the floor. You can sleep in the bed."

"Where are you going to sleep, then?"

"In the bed, too," he answered, slightly confused at her question.

She was the one now shaking her head. "I don't think that's a very good idea."

"Why not?"

She sighed; frustrated that she had to explain all of this to him. "Look, you and I, let's just admit that we have a very funny relationship. Right now, it's going really well, but I don't really want to mess it up by getting into the same bed as you. It's just going to lead to a lot of awkwardness, and we'll be back to where we were before. It's just a bad idea all the way around."

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Sara, it's a king size bed. We're not even going to know that each other is there. Look, I'm tired, and I will not sleep well knowing that you are uncomfortable on the floor. It's a bed with a mattress and covers and three pillows. We can put one between us if that will make you feel better, but right now, I want to get some sleep. Now, get in." Grissom knew he was being harsh, but if he had to continue looking at her exhausted face while she came up with a hundred excuses, he was going to do something that would definitely cause awkwardness in the morning, like carry her over to the bed and well, he didn't want to let his imagination take him any farther.

She silently walked over to the side of the bed that looked unslept in and climbed in. She turned her back to him as she heard him climb in as well, then reach up to turn the light off. Lying there in the darkness, she realized that what he had said was true. She would've had no idea anyone else was there except for the fact that she could hear his quiet breathing. It was an oddly comforting sound, however. Sara was so used to silence when she slept, that it was nice to know, for once, that she wasn't alone.

Later, she awoke with a start. For a second, she couldn't remember where she was, and then it all came back to her. She was trying to figure out why she'd woken up when she realized **exactly** where she was. Somehow, she had traveled across the bed and ended up curled against Grissom's back. Worse, she had an arm thrown over him. Quickly, she began to slide away from him, desperately hoping he hadn't woken up too.

"Don't go," his quiet voice stopped her anxious movements as he rolled over on his back to look at her.

"Look, Grissom, I'm sorry. I had no idea that I moved around that much while I was sleeping. I mean, I'm always alone, and . . ." she realized she was babbling and came to an embarrassed halt, refusing to look him in the eye.

"It's okay," he said reaching out to lift up her chin, forcing her eyes to meet his. "I'm not mad, really. It was kind of nice to have you so close."

Sara threw her hands up in the air. "See, I **told** you this was a bad idea! Look, we are going to completely mess up our equilibrium if I stay here, so before either one of us says something that we'll regret, I'm calling the front desk. They can let me in." With that, she started to get up.

He quickly reached across the bed to grab her hand. "Hey, it's fine. Look, here's how I know it's going to be okay. See how we're talking about how awkward this is? Before, we would've just ignored it, and that was what made it awkward." He patted the space next to him. "Come back here and lie down. You need your sleep. You've got a long day tomorrow."

Hesitantly, Sara lay down. She was still unconvinced that this wasn't a bad idea, but she was willing to give it a try. It had been pretty nice sleeping so close. She almost bolted, though, when he maneuvered his arm around her to pull her closer. Then, when he reached out to softly rub her cheek, she gasped. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

He laughed softly. "Go to sleep, Sara," he answered. "I know I am." With that, he was silent.

As Sara lay there, slowly beginning to relax, she came to a startling conclusion. She had a best friend. She had never had one before, but as strange as it sounded, Grissom had become her best friend. He had dropped everything to come to her aid, he had listened while she exposed her deepest secret, and he was there when she had fallen apart with grief. She would never be able to truly express her appreciation, but she resolved to try and do it in the morning. Maybe someday their relationship would be more, but for right now, Sara was happy where they were. With that thought, she fell asleep.

The next morning, Sara was able to get back into her room. As she showered and dressed, she thought back to their strange night. She realized that what Grissom had said was true. Because they had talked about the fact that the whole situation could be awkward, they were able to make it more comfortable. They had just both woken up, and she had called housekeeping. Then, they had chatted about a variety of topics while she waited. It had really been an enjoyable experience.

As Sara stepped out of her room, she spotted Grissom closing his door, his suitcase sitting next to him. Her heart sank as she realized he had to return today and leave her alone. When he glanced at her, she was sure he could read her thoughts, so she straightened her shoulders, forced a smile on her face, and asked brightly, "All ready to head back?"

He walked over to stand directly in front of her. "Don't try to fool me, Sara," he said softly, "It's not working."

She let her shoulders drop. "Sorry. I just didn't want you to feel I was forcing you to stay. When do you think you'll need to leave?"

"I'll be able to go with you over to the hospital, but I'll probably head out around 1:00 or 2:00. How's that sound?"

Grissom stayed by her side the whole morning as she dealt with all of the paperwork and bureaucracy involved to get her mom's body released to her custody. There was to be an autopsy, but as soon as that was finished, she would be able to claim the body. She had to find a funeral home, as well as a cemetery plot. Just when she felt that everything would overwhelm her, he was there to quietly rub the back of her neck, calming her. He also asked questions that she forgot, and helped untangle all of the snags that she ran into.

All too soon, the time came for him to leave. They stood outside his car in the hospital parking lot. She looked directly at him. "Thanks for everything," she began. "Thanks for coming, thanks for being there to listen, and thanks for helping me out today. I really didn't know where to even begin. I've also been thinking about what you've said, and I think I will write that letter. I'm also going to see if I can't track down my brother. He deserves to know that Mom's gone."

He pulled her close. "I am so proud of you. You've been so incredibly strong through everything. You are a wonderful person, Sara." He placed a quick kiss on the top of her head.

She looked up at him, and something seemed to flash between them. They stared at each other for a second; the Sara cleared her throat and stepped back. "You probably should get going. Have a good trip."

His arms felt strangely empty with her gone. "Let me know when the burial is, and I'll come out." She opened her mouth to disagree, and he put a finger on her lips. "Don't argue with me. Just call, and I'll be here."

She whispered her thanks and watched as he climbed into his car. She continued watching as he pulled out of the parking lot and disappeared into the horizon. "Bye, Griss, and thanks," she said softly.

Slowly, she turned back to the hospital to say good-bye to the past.

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**A/N:** Here's the end of the actual plotline. However, there will be an epilogue coming soon. I was planning on something short to just tie up the storyline, but it keeps growing longer in my head! I guess we'll just have to wait and see what it turns into!


	8. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

The afternoon sun was just beginning to set as he pulled his car up. Streaks of light streamed through the trees touching each leaf with gold. There was a scent of fall in the air. It was the crisp scent that lets everyone know summer is over and winter is on the way. He could hear the birds as they sang, and their soft songs seemed to contribute to the serenity of the cemetery. As he stepped out of the car, he turned slightly to fee the warmth of the few rays of the sun before it slipped below the horizon.

Turning away from the beauty of the setting sun, Grissom peered across the rows of silent graves to spot Sara standing alone at a small pile of dirt. As he began waling across the grass, it pained him to know that once again, she was all alone.

Sara looked up to see Grissom crossing the rows of graves to come to her side. She smiled as he came next to her and put an arm around her shoulder. "Hi," she said quietly.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"Actually, I'm pretty good," she answered. "I didn't know if I'd feel this good when you left last week, but I really am doing well."

"Are you here all alone?" he asked, concerned.

"Yeah, the chaplain from the prison called. There was a suicide attempt at the prison, and he's part of their crisis response team. And, I tried every way I could to think of to find my brother, but I wasn't successful. I'll probably keep trying when I get home. I've decided that I need some family around me. But, I am glad that **you** were able to come." She leaned her head on his shoulder.

He pulled her closer against him. Hesitantly, he asked, "Did you think about my suggestion? About writing a letter?"

She looked directly at him. "I did," she replied. "I was up late last night writing. It started out really angry, but by the end, I had forgiven. I guess I started to see things from her perspective. I mean, she felt completely powerless, and then I come along expecting her to fix everything. It was an impossible situation, and she reacted the only way she could. So, by the end of the letter, I was able to forgive her. I mean, the abortion was my decision, and I have to deal with the consequences on my own. Don't you agree?"

He nodded silently.

"So, I decided to take you suggestion a little bit further. I also write a letter to my baby. I told her, I guess of always thought of the baby as a her, how I felt. I told her how much I missed her, and how much I wished I'd thought the whole decision through. Who knows, I might have come to the same decisions, but at least, I would've dealt with all of the ramifications **before **I did anything."

He was so proud of her; he thought his heart would burst. "So, what did you do with the letters?"

She took a deep breath. "I buried them. I think the cemetery guys thought I was nuts standing here all by myself trying to not fall in as I dropped those two letters in." She laughed softly at the memory.

He pulled her back against him, "So, why did you bury them?"

"I guess, because it was symbolic. I'm burying my anger and bitterness. I'm leaving it all behind me. It's time for me to move on."

She looked up into his eyes, and Grissom was amazed by the peace he saw in them. She had truly begun to move on, and before he could stop himself he leaned down to softly kiss her. Her eyes widened slightly, and then she turned to put her arms around his neck. They stood there for many minutes before Grissom pulled away. "Ready to come with me?" he whispered.

Smiling at him, she responded, "Of course, I am." As they began to walk back to the cars with their arms around each other, Sara stopped for a second to turn back to the lonely grave. "Good-bye, Mom," she whispered, "I love you."

Then, Sara turned back to face her future with the man she loved by her side.

**The End**

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**A/N: **And so, we've reached the end. This has been a great trip for me, and I appreciate all of you who've read it. Thank you for all of the kind reviews and encouragement. I'm already starting on something new, so look for it soon! 


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